I have always been impressed with how much energy people put into bullying and gossip.

I still remember the first time I recognized bullying. It was in the early years of elementary school. I saw some kids pushing around another kid who was in the special needs class. I was instantly angry and confronted the situation. My memory of the details are vague. I don’t know what was said or done or if it was resolved. All I know is that I wanted to stop it. 

Another distinct memory with bullying and gossip was in 7th grade. This time, I was the target. Some girl named Desirae didn’t like me for some reason that I still cannot fathom. She was calling me B**** and just being a turd. No idea why. I recall talking to my dad about it and asking him what to do. He suggested I buy her a christmas gift. Which I did. I gave her the gift, and she left me alone. ((I would like to hear more details about the effects your gift had on this bully.))

I was again bullied when I was 21-22 years old.

I was on a mission in Neuquen Argentina. I found this the most shocking because missionaries are representatives of Jesus Christ. Jesus does not condone bullying or gossip. 

Hermana Rosas had it out for me. She hated me for reasons that, again, I cannot fathom. We never worked together and rarely saw each other. Nevertheless, she had it out for me. I kept hearing rumors about myself even after I got home. Rumors that I heard from people I didn’t ever meet on the mission. Rumors that stated that I wore ‘immodest clothing’ and that I was there to find a husband, etc. 

My final companion was amazing. But she was trained by Hermana Rosas. During the last week of my mission, she told me about the rumors she had heard. She admitted that everything she had heard about me was a lie. She told me that I was a good missionary, that I didn’t flirt with everyone (even though I did get proposed to at least 3 times), and I did in fact dress modestly. I was devastated to know that the gossip went that far and wide but grateful that she could see through the lies.

Needless to say, I hoped that once I was married with kids and interacting with adult women that I would be done with this world of gossip and bullying. 

Needless to say, that hope was futile. Turns out women are relentless. We are truly our own worst oppressors. But that’s a topic for a different day.  

Just this year, a friend of mine decided that ‘I didn’t make her feel good’ and “we had different goals in life”. Which I still don’t get, but that’s besides the point. If she felt that way, that’s fine. However, she took it too far. She lost me clients. She defamed my name in our community. She stole our business we built together, and she harassed me to the point that I felt compelled to file a restraining order. She told me she didn’t want to be friends on a Wednesday and on the following Saturday, she texted me 7 times, texted my husband, messaged me on telegram, emailed me, found me on linkedin, and showed up at my house demanding that I give her back hand me downs she gave me.

 I didn’t respond to her because I was pretty busy that day and didn’t realize that to her the hand me downs were a life and death situation. By the following Monday she was threatening to call the cops on me because of the hand me downs. On Tuesday her 3 year old daughter yelled at me in public.

It got out of hand quickly. Like way too quickly. My restraining order petition didn’t go through, but the county courthouse still sent her a notice telling her that if she persisted in this behavior that she could get charged with harassment. 

All of my ideals that having adult friends would not elicit drama was for naught. 

The real question is…when you are bullied, how do you react? How did I deal with it?

As I sit here, recalling these four distinct memories, one significant core memory about bullies comes to mind… Nelson, from the Simpsons. 

I always remember the episode where they reveal that Nelson comes from a broken home, and that’s why he was a bully.

His dad was an alcoholic (and most likely abusive). That message became very internalized for me. I realized that people are bullies because they are unhappy with some element of their lives and they lash at people because of it. Furthermore, they lash out at people who they feel threaten them in some way. Whether that is a threat to their happiness, (jealousy) or a threat to their perceived reality. I am not sure. I have always tried to not be a bully or participate in gossip. 

So when I was going through this with that friend, a couple other friends reached out and both of them shared the same message, “she is going through something”. They either didn’t know or don’t know what or they didn’t feel like they could divulge. Which is fine. It isn’their secret to share.

The question still remains: outside of the perspective that bullies are inherently unhappy, how did I deal with it?

To be honest, I cried quite a bit. I really have a hard time with confrontation, and I have a really hard time with rejection. So I cried, and I mourned.

Luckily, on the Monday she threatened to call the police on me, I had a call with my coach. She helped me through this very specific process of filtering out facts vs. feelings vs. assumptions so as to bring the situation down to reality. 

The first thing we did was we both held space for me. I held my heart in my hand. When we place our hands over our hearts, it helps calm them down. Helps bring it back to the now and helps us feel our feelings. 

After I brought my heart back to the present and was able to really feel my feelings in the now, we went through the process of discovering what I can control: Me, myself, and I. 

You do this by identifying the…

Circumstance 

Thought

Feeling

Action

Result 

It is one of the best ways I now know to help center oneself and realize what is within our control and what is without our control. 

In this situation, I was able to identify the… 

Circumstance, which was said friend no longer wants to be friends.

Thought: I did something wrong. 

Feeling: mourning, sad, betrayed. 

Action: Is what I can control, which is my actions. 

Result: loss of friendship. 

This process can be a bit challenging because one must discern between all these things but once you get it down, it is very calming.

I was able to see the role that I was playing and I was able to truly begin to process it all. 

It also set me up for success the following day when her daughter yelled “YOU DON’T LIKE MY MOMMY!” in the library. Instead of lowering myself to the moms level, I simply responded “that’s not true.” Then the daughter ran back to her mom and yelled “CLARA IS OVER THERE!” Honestly, I felt more embarrassed for the mom and really sad for the kid. And I believe I was able to stay in my power during that confrontation because of the practice from the day before. 

After the session with my coach and realizing I could handle a weird confrontation with a 3 year old, I was able to begin coping with it all better outwardly. While everything was going down, I knew I didn’t want to stoop to her gossiping level. So when people reached out and asked what was going on, I simply said “I don’t know.” Which was actually very true. I didn’t know. And I didn’t say anything bad about her. The truth is, I still love her. I want her to be happy, even though I was the target of her lashing out. 

After my coaching session, I even told the 2 friends who were involved that I respected them too much to involve them in such childish dramas. I told my friends that we didn’t need to discuss it anymore, unless they had questions. They both appreciated it. 

Furthermore, I have allowed this experience to draw me closer to my other, amazing, abundant, and powerhouse woman friends in my life.

I continue to express my gratitude for them and create opportunities to spend time with them. 

So even though I was being bullied and dragged through the mud by someone I had loved, trusted, and considered a close friend for over 2 years, I held my peace and did not stoop to her level. I didn’t take the bait to engage with her through insults, accusations and falsehoods. And I allowed the experience to help me grow further into my power as a woman. 

I cannot stress enough how grateful I was for my coach at that moment and for her ability to help me stay in my power. Life would be needlessly more challenging without her in my life. Which is another reason I have become a coach myself. I am called to this life of empowering women to be their best selves. 

How we react, how we think, is 100% up to us. Especially in these defamatory situations.